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May 3, 2017

A really secure bed in the darkness

Late at night. I really have to sleep. There are things to do tomorrow, I don't have time to be awake.

Yet it is during these hours that the world and all solutions to our problems seem so simple. Sometimes, when trying to sleep, a thought train leaves the station of my mind and slowly I start thinking of all my problems.

During these hours, the problems, they have obvious solutions. Especially the really personal problems. That thing I always wanted to discuss with him, it seemed so simple, I felt like I could just do it. I would get it over with. That awkward way in which I speak whenever I feel insecure, the fix was dead simple. I would just walk into situations and say the straight thing and be dead sure about it. I feel that tomorrow will be the dawn of the really secure me. Those problems with emotions that I don't know how to convey, those would be said out loud. There, in the security of my bed, there, in the darkness, I'm not afraid of doing so.

Dawn comes. I charge into the new day, tired from lack of sleep from the night before, but I still believe. But then the day slowly wears me down. I get into an insecure situation and I'm even more awkward than the day before. Feelings of anxiety strike me if I try to figure how how to approach him. The emotions I fail to convey are even more shrouded than before.

This was typed from the security of my bed, in the darkness. The time is 01:56. I feel very sure about these words, but I'm sure tomorrow has something else in store.