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May 3, 2017

A really secure bed in the darkness

Late at night. I really have to sleep. There are things to do tomorrow, I don't have time to be awake.

Yet it is during these hours that the world and all solutions to our problems seem so simple. Sometimes, when trying to sleep, a thought train leaves the station of my mind and slowly I start thinking of all my problems.

During these hours, the problems, they have obvious solutions. Especially the really personal problems. That thing I always wanted to discuss with him, it seemed so simple, I felt like I could just do it. I would get it over with. That awkward way in which I speak whenever I feel insecure, the fix was dead simple. I would just walk into situations and say the straight thing and be dead sure about it. I feel that tomorrow will be the dawn of the really secure me. Those problems with emotions that I don't know how to convey, those would be said out loud. There, in the security of my bed, there, in the darkness, I'm not afraid of doing so.

Dawn comes. I charge into the new day, tired from lack of sleep from the night before, but I still believe. But then the day slowly wears me down. I get into an insecure situation and I'm even more awkward than the day before. Feelings of anxiety strike me if I try to figure how how to approach him. The emotions I fail to convey are even more shrouded than before.

This was typed from the security of my bed, in the darkness. The time is 01:56. I feel very sure about these words, but I'm sure tomorrow has something else in store.

May 2, 2017

Habits, hands, Bamse

It's often said that it takes a couple of weeks to create a new habit or destroy an old one. This is often pointed out as some kind of self-help-thumb-rule. However, imagine jumping straight out of bed, standing on one hand for a minute while singing the theme music for Swedish kids-television-show Bamse. Now imagine doing this every day for ten years. After these ten years, it would very hard to stop doing this, even though it's the dumbest and weirdest shit ever.

May 2, 2017

On programming in elementary school

There has been some ideas floating around on Twitter and news sites the past years that it would be a good idea to teach kids how to program computers in elementary school. The motivation for this is is that we live in a world surrounded by technical gadgets and that a deeper understanding for these things could improve our everyday life.

While I support this idea, I think some people take it a bit too far, without looking at the big picture. Some make is sound like programming should be a big subject next to other, more universal things like language, history and maths. This I do not agree with. Programming is just one part of the tech that surrounds us, but it's easy to forget that there is actually hardware in these things, circuits that have been meticulously designed in order for the software to even have something to run on. There are also other things involved, such as the AC-power leading up to your house, and how that electricity is produced.

What I'm trying to get at is that, yes we should probably teach kids a bit more about computers, but that also includes making sure they understand the basics of the electronics that make up the hardware. A broadened technical subject in elementary school were kids get to build simple circuit boards, do a bit of soldering, get a taste for repairing stuff and on top of that maybe try some programming is what I think we need. It doesn't have to be much, it doesn't have to be several times a week for several years, it can be like once a week for one year. Primarily it should be inspiring and eye-opening.

I actually had a subject called "technology" in 8:th grade and we got to do the stuff above, except for programming. We soldered circuit boards that played music when connected to a 9 v battery, we learned how to change an AC-plug and some very basic electronics theory. However, few of my Swedish friends seem to have done this (so much for a standardized school system!), and it's sad because it was for me one of the most fun and inspiring parts of elementary school.

When I repair electronics, I'm often reminded of that component-filled room with the slightly weird teacher and people poking away with soldering irons.

January 15, 2017

Neuralt fummel (Swedish)

Denna eviga förvirring. Jag sitter var dag och funderar. Vad är det som skall komma härnäst; sorg, glädje, rädsla eller ilska? Mina tankar blandas timme in och ut. Hur det nu än blir så vet jag säkert, att barndommens lätta sinne i en evig neural storm har gömts.

Under promenaden in till staden, i öronen det otäcka programmet. Berättelser om vem som lever, berättelser om vem som dör, sorgen i att åt andra tvingas välja. Medan tåget genom kylan lunka fram, ett mörker över mig sakta sjunka. Jag får hålla mig från att i oförklarlig vrede och förvirring, rakt ut i vagnen börja gasta.

Stopp. Tåget har rullat in på station, ett annat jag måste finna. I väntan jag står och uppmärksammar: Ögon ögon ögon som stirrar överallt, alla tankar, all historia, som bor dessa i väderbitna personer. Ögon möter mig och jag funderar om min förvirrade blick de försöker tyda.

Tåget anländer, fötterna går ombord, det är en underjordisk rälsbuss. Medan den för mig mot yttre ort, damen i gången läser en karta. Underbart att inte veta vart man ska tänker jag som vet vart, men inte varför, jag far dit jag far.

Rälsen stannar, tåget går av. Katakomberna sluter sig kring mig, vilket utgång bör jag ta? Jag går upp åt ett håll, fast vänder ner igen.

Nu kom jag rätt, här har jag varit. Fötterna går ner för gatan, ögonen ser huset. Fummel fummel. Långsamma, kalla fingrar. Siffra siffra siffra siffra. Klick.

Upp högst upp, men inte upp till vinden. Jag ringer på, min vän öppnar och med ett leende mig möter.

"Hur är läget?" "Jo, det är väl helt okej."

December 7, 2016

I just want to be free

I don't want to pile up money in order to pay a rent and have fancy things. Money is a prison. When you have enough you subscribe to this and that thing until you are locked into a cage from which you have little hope of escaping.

Ever since resigning from my most recent job in February I have had a growing feeling that I never want to work again. This is, in the modern world, a problem. My mere existence forces me to every month pay money to a handful corporations in order to stay afloat.

Right now I'm studying physics at university and I'm very happy about it. I have no real plans of what I'm going to do with whatever it is that I learn, but at least I get to do something interesting. Here there is no boss assessing whatever I do. There is no one that cares about what I do, and it's the best thing ever. Having someone judge your daily achievements is for me a horrible way to spend your days I hope I never have to experience it again.

Sometimes I hear friends saying "I just want to finish the education and get a job" and I freeze. The thought that I too, some day, must return to my old place in the big wheel, is frightening. I don't want to. Education in Sweden is free and I get a monthly free grant plus loan which will last for another three years. This is roughly the time it will take me to get my bachelor's degree in physics. What I'll do after that I do not know. What I'm gonna do this summer, in order to pay the rent the couple of summer months where I don't get the study grant, I do not know. I do not want to work. But I guess I can put up with like one month of work during the beginning of the summer, scraping together barley enough for the rest of the summer.

Maybe I'll find something that works for me at some point. Maybe by making indie games. Maybe I'll somehow fund a master's degree in aerospace engineering or physics. I'm not gonna try to plan these things, but I'm actively going to stay away from working tiring jobs that subtract from life quality more than they add.

I just want to be free.

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